Mother’s Day!

Now this will be different than any other Mother’s Day post. See even though I am a mother myself this time is not the same for me as it is for others. I lost my mother when I was three months old. Now I didn’t know my mother, I have no memories of her what so ever. But I can tell you I feel her in my soul everyday. I see her in myself when I look in the mirror and all the thoughts of who was she and how unfair this feeling is rushes through me. So please excuse the context of all this because in all honesty it is just me letting these feeling go.

As the days approached this year, I realized that I have outlived my mother. I’m guessing my other siblings have went through this since I am the baby. But to think her baby out lived her just seems so fucked up. See last month on April 9th was the 26th anniversary of her passing and as I get older so does the years that she has been gone. I can’t even think of my age without thinking she has been gone the same amount of time. Now there is so much for me to celebrate this Mothers Days! As I write this I have my beautiful 5-year-old daughter coloring my little pony pictures beside me. Across from me is my 8 month old beautiful daughter ‘yelling’ at me because I am not giving her my 100% attention ha-ha. My almost 9-year-old is in school and I can’t wait for her to get home to see how well she did on her first project! I think an A++ BTW lol See I have beautiful daughters to celebrate on this mothers day. Since I wouldn’t be a mother without them! But all this sorrow that I have been trying to let go for years always creeps up during April and May. All these thoughts of why did this happen? and would our lives have been different if she was still alive. Even down to the … I wonder how she smelled, Like if I could just grasp one memory of her I would be alright. It’s honestly like I just started into the middle of a book that I never wanted to be written into.

This year during this time, I have had a lot happen around me and I think that is why it is effecting me so much. About a week ago an old friend of mine lost her son during birth. I mean this baby was beautiful and whole, and well dammit it’s not fair and my heart aches for her. My heart hurts for that family! Then I found out that one of my sister in-laws has a mass on her brain, which is causing seizures to the point that the state took her license. She has three children, and those babies don’t need to lose a mother. Then two days ago my other sister-in-law was life flighted to a ‘better’ hospital because she all of a sudden had a seizure so bad that the doctors had to put her in a small coma and paralyze her body… ( I’m not sure of all the details that is all I got from family) She also has three babies! Luckily this sister in law has recovered and they found out that her doctor prescribed two medicines that shouldn’t be taken together was the cause of the seizure issue. Then I get on Fb this morning and come across a live stream from my old local news about this women who bought formula and replaced it with flour etc and resealed the containers and took them back to grocery stores in the area of which we use to live. And I thought I am so Thankful I don’t live there anymore, and my heart goes out to any babies who were effected by this evil women. All in All is I guess my point is that Mothers shouldn’t be losing their babies and babies shouldn’t be losing their mothers. And well damn I am just done with all this emotional bull shit that is swirling around in this world. My heart aches for these people, my heart aches for myself. But my heart is also is filled with joy that I get to spend this time with my babies.  So if you are saddened this Mother’s Day with the cruelty of what this world chooses to dish out just know you are not alone. There are mothers and daughters and sons feeling the same as you! Blessed Mothers day to all Mothers! and may your sadness turn into joy for you are the one who created beautiful souls!

 

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